Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.