as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
You Might Also Like
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
selfie game
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Just ordered me some pizza!
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.