Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
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Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You鈥檙e all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it鈥檚 a mirror.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I鈥檝e been running for 10 years.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Being a parent is hard work, but it鈥檒l all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 馃槓
ME (from beyond): 馃榿
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My boyfriend鈥檚 boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don鈥檛 work.
But that’s none of my business
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they鈥檙e kinda like bees except they鈥檙e really angry, don鈥檛 die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they鈥檒l be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Son: I鈥檓 scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you