relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain