Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
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I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”