Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.