Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
how to have an accident 101
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*