i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
You Might Also Like
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?