My astrological sign is KFC gravy
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.