4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.