a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”