Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Kermit goes Blue.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside