Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine