WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ