Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
who will stop them
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts