Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
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I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.