I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
me: my friends:
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”