Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
This is me
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.