Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.