My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
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KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags