I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
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MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
uncle dave has been through hell
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*