My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
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Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“i am a sweet baby”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Catering service
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers