My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Previously On Persistence 😎
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
sry
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition