Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Hey i am sexy to you now
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
50 shades of grey = my Liver
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings