Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion