Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Hot Hot Hot
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
men are simple creatures
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
nobody’s gonna understand
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.