watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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TODAY
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
23. the denim jacket
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
The dark side of Canada
Meow?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better