[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Happy Halloween 🎃
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
yeet
just pretend nothing happened
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.