Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Webb. James Webb.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.