Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?