what all these pyramids be scheming about?
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
“Great, now I have to pee.”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.