I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?