“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
why am I working on Labor Day
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.