May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
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The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
worst…sale…ever
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*