Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
greetings!
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.