OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Who chose this font
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
drew a comic about my origin story
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My brain is a bad influence on me
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.