When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight