Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
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Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
A bold strategy
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*