Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?