ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how