Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.