Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Not recommended for beginners.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.