If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.