True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
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Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?