There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
i prefer mine room temperature.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation