Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.