Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.