Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?