got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*bites zombie*
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
look at me when i’m typing to you
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!