My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself